so my last job i was a lifeguard at the hard rock hotel. one morning at like 8 am, i go in and the pool is dead i love opening shift because when the pool is dead, i just take a nap. so i was watching the water and this lady comes up to me and she goes, "excuse me young man, but what is the quickest way to-
dry drowning, oh my god, you are so handsome !" another family comes out and they go out to the other side of the pool and the dad of the daughter of this family jump in the water "wow, okay. i'm sorry to be this forward but oh my god, you are so handsome."
anytime anybody comes up to the guard stand and tries to talk to me i keep looking at the water. i keep scanning but i just talk to them without making eye contact. this lady is getting ready for cuffing season, because she is just showering me with compliments and i take my eye off the water for the first time ever to talk to somebody. "your jawline, are your parent models? your lips, oh my god, and your eyes" you see, i was like "girl, bye". i have black eyes. okay, you had me going until you started talking about my eyes. she looks away from me and looks at the pool and she goes, "oh, um, that guy over there. he doesn't look too hot." so i look to the dad and there is a few warning signs that something was wrong. he wasn't moving, he was face down and he was blue
i'm like "is this dude dead?" steve harvey runs out, "survey says" (dat negro dead!) any lifeguard would tell you that kids come out to the pool and do the dead man float every day how does a 5'9" man drown in a 4' pool? "splain" it! i'm sitting here and looking at this dude like " any second now, buddy. you can just stand up. jokes over " and the lady goes, "i gotta go, bye" the mom, daughter, and son is looking at me like " hellooo, do something bro!" michelle is the other lifeguard on duty and she was walking around roaming she sees this and she walks over. the daughter kind of pushes her lifeless dad's body to the edge of the pool
and michelle pulls him out. coming out of the water lookin like jinx with them big old lips 30 minutes later, the paramedics come out. they go back to the ambulance and come back stretcher at this point, he starts moving a little bit. the paramedics are looking at me at the guard stand like. "ha, wow. you were up there this whole time?" the grim reaper shows up and helps the paramedics carry the dad back to the ambulance jen, my supervisor, shows up and she freaks out she runs out to michelle and runs over to me and she was like " what happened?!" "ah, obviously you are not doing a good job supervising me cuz look at this. look at what you did" "my office, now!"
so apparently what happened is that the dad and the daughter were underwater trying to see who can hold their breath longest and the daughter came up and the dad never did. so the paramedics got there, they said that he "dry drowned" i went home and looked up "dry drowning". i still don't know what that means. i'll leave you guys with this, splitting your attention like when you're driving, giving your phone 40% and the road 60%. 60% is still an f
you go through life and giving it 50 or 60% is still an f so if you're going to something, give it 100 (snaps) especially when you're a lifeguard oh, by the way, the dad lived. he's fine but they didn't put me back up the lifeguard stand for a hot minute.